You only are a ghost stuck in time.

I think I will rant on mindlessly, with the most vacuous words I’ve ever said. All with the most gruesome, thought-provoking, mind-entangling, heart-wrenching words that you find hard to swallow(much less to say, me). And yeah, it’s not like I don’t know that all these in truth, will only apply, to me.

Honestly, you really have no idea how much you meant to me, whether in every gleaming smile/in every human error, in every word I spoke, in every haunting image of you that was running through my mind, much less to say in every historical complexity, how you really was like the only person who made me feel that, and I’m gonna say it no matter how cheesy I may actually sound here, and I’m also not gonna like spin up a whole morality tale about you, and only to say that I really thought I like you so much it consumes me. And I really wanted to know more about you, so many thoughts and excitement, whether only exchanged within myself, or with you, but actually, I didn’t care at all. I was excited to like start on whatever that comes, but it also almost really did end, in the most disappointing manner.

And I say this, in all truth, and not because it’s coming from a person who clearly knows that you won’t be reading this anytime, if not now, whatever. And not because I perused a mystical book of wisdom that will enlighten and protect me from the ravages and destruction of my entire maidenhood, which doesn’t say a lot now does it. I’m not sorry for all the things I’m not. Because even if i am, I am not.  I know how things between us are, or rather how dormant things between us are(which really is ), if I have to rephrase it just to expound on how strong my point is. Really, whatever, I don’t care anymore now. Don’t judge me, I for sure know that my stand is really still. (Or if you must think, then I would like you to think of it as a soliloquy, but not one of a madwoman’s.)

But In All Emptiness, and with every sob that subsided into a sniffle(I kidddd), I really wanted you to be here with me. I really wanted an honest conversation with you. I really wanted you to hear me out. I really wanted us to be friends all over again. I really wanted you to know how much I really actually cared. I really wanted you to know that what I have for you is real, and that I never did want to give up. But just like how wind will always blow out the candle on that table, you were like a burning flame that just shut me out, and you don’t know how cruel and odious you were when you never did give me a chance, and just walked out, without an alarm.

I know you’re no longer real, and you are just a ghost that is now stuck in time.

Sharing of insecurities.

I’ve let you in, but what happens when you run away in a different route, and in a more effortless manner.

And this is what happens. You will leave me feeling more unafraid again, because I can no longer sync up to these very footsteps you left behind, and I think I’m too tired to run after. Maybe I’ll just stop right here, even when I think that very thought would just kill me because I’ll be all alone then. And then I ask myself. Do I make you feel that you’re a new person because of me? Do I make you feel that you can never live without me? Am I the first person to cross your mind when you wake up? Do you check your phone and amongst the many messages, you hope there’s one from me? And do you feel my presence so much that absence no longer makes your heart grow fonder, but rather more incomplete. Am I the person whom makes you so happy but you’re just afraid to admit it? And I think I’m saying too much, but I don’t care anymore, because maybe you don’t even read this space. Also, and what if  just right at the end of your getaway, there’s another person waiting for you, you see, you make me feel this insecure.

Or are you telling me that we’re right where we’re supposed to be.

And with this fire that is getting colder tonight.

A friend once told me that he never gave up on the relationship because he believes in it, and he knows that the love is real. I think that’s really cool, to believe in the love they have, despite all the shit he has gone through and all the misgivings and stuff. It’s really awesome how a seemingly playful person like him could actually tolerate and give in and just hold on to it. I was very much moved by those words, coming out from this friend especially.

With times like these, I really wonder how much space do I take up in your mind ♥

Because you never do tell me anything.

(Why can’t you just love me back?)

Youre gonna set my heart in cardiac arrest anytime.

Bad hand-leg-eye-mouth-brain coordination whenever it comes to you, everything goes wrong.

But you make everything seem right, but maybe just too fast for me.