I’m not sorry I met you.

I’m not sorry its over.

I’m not sorry there’s nothing to say.

But I still miss you.

I have decided to get the Lumix LX3!!!! With it, I can post pretty pictures that I can take with baby or cht or other pals!! Hence, the times where photos of me are grainy/bad quality are only transitory okay! Hahaha, yeah, so high chance that my photos will > yours anyday! Okay fine, actually it’s cause I totally had to get a new camera!!! Like I checked previously, my last album that I uploaded on facebook was like, 9 months ago!?!?!….(yeah wtf i know right) And okay besides the obvious reasons like how some people who’ve stepped into my life may like step out at some point in time, I should take photos with them so that I can log into fb at a golden age of 70 and look at the people I was close to, and how they’ve changed! Okay, my words are how thought-provoking i know… hahahah okay probably sounding a little inappropriate as I’m getting over melodramatic in this context…uh okay you get the picture.

Went to watch The A-team with marcus last night, was a little too action-mama for me. All that U.S army and bullets and heavy weapons….ahhh..the things I do for him(: Hmmm halfway while walking with him along the streets, it suddenly came to me that we’re quite a colorful mix! (haha just saying randomly) Sigh, he is now in some annoying overseas camp, and I miss him real bad :( Talking to him over the phone every night until I sleep, has became a daily routine. I’m now fallible. Sometimes you know I feel that you’re actually wiping my past unhappiness off, and painting over the ugly parts. I thank God for you in my life. <3 Hm okay actually you’re only gone for like about 20 hours and it’s constantly draining me out to know he’s not around, the damage is now revealing the cost of this relationship(: Or like they always say, absence makes the heart grow fonder….(lame.cliche only.boring~you suck.) Hahahaha as you can see, I’m freaking bored out of my ass. And I’m sorry for being so irrational last night, I hate the things I do to you at times. :( I will make it up to you on saturday!!! (this is one way I can redeem myself heehee!)

On a different level, caregroup was pretty awesome today! *insert wide grin!*

Loved the songs of worship and tbh I kinda nearly teared. :/I like how everyone just quieten down for that peace and serenity and just close their eyes, and sing, and worship God wholeheartedly, crossing those lines of invisible nothingness, and just sing of His love. That feeling is perpetually overwhelming and indescribable. This is an indulgence in the heart <3

Well, I’m not alone. And I’m thankful to God for tiffany for all the mini personal bible study sessions, which spoke biblical truth into my life, that helped me to know God better. And through this spiritual battle of mine each and every day, I hope to keep this childlike faith that I have now for forever.

And yay! (: I’m looking forward to meeting the bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbf tmrw for stayover!!!!!!! :D Heehee, and of course church service and marcus on saturday!!

Here’s two interesting anagrams!!

Organic Chemistry = Groin Cancer Is Myth

Energetics Kinetics = Sick Teen Is Erecting

Sigh I am so much of a loser.

Can’t really put across this complicated feeling I have in me now, I can’t really say insecure, more of edgy. and not so much of happy, as that would be grossly inaccurate, ok whatever, maybe more of a melancholic feeling. I think I like to talk about what I’m feeling right now so maybe you guys have a rough gauge of what kind of mood I’m in now, to be mentally prepared for this text that might just probably set your heart into cardiac arrest. (riiiight) Guess it’s just emotions taking me over at this pathetic timeslot where more than half the world(yes only my friends) are asleep.

To be blatantly honest here, three nights ago was one of the worst nights ever, yeah looked at someone in the eye and thought, “You are a fucking asshole.” and someone thought the exact same way about me as well. Yeah I didn’t really know what to (appear to) feel right in front of you. Nope, we no longer read each other through our eyes. Nope, we no longer know what each other are up to these days. And yeah, you probably see me as an old friend now. Whatever, what’s with this special little short note anyway, lol.

Really just a sidenote, I feel like drinking the “scam-money” viscous as hell(i mean the foam) banana milkshake in school!! ): It’s not really that gratifying…but I like how it is anyway, haha.

Amidst talking about food, on another continent of my own universe, was me trying to talk to an old friend, and my one best friend actually. Doubts she checks this space of mine anymore now. She’s one of the strongest girls I’ve met in my entire life. In fact yeah, she’s really just the most gutsy. What I have for her now is probably regret. I came across this quote in this book, which says “Some people are fragile as- as butterflies and sensitive and it’s your responsibility not to destroy them.” “Just because you can.” Damn straight it went through my mind. The first person that came to my mind was her. Well, I broke her trust,  I was a friend who necessitated her through part of her life, it’s as though we had partaken in every activity you can call bimbotic, haha. We were friends who’ve been through thick and thin. Recently, it became pretty evident that she’s not doing fine.. and tbh I’m really concerned about it. I want this girl to have a bright future, to be happy. I want that life to be the last stop for her, for I believe she was not meant to be that implacable after all. And, I have just about the best birthday present to hopefully placate her this year:)

Yeah guys, I know, complete waste of time here, cause none of this is prolly any of your business, oops.

Later.

The Genius Of  The Crowd
By: Charles Bukowski

There is enough treachery, hatred violence absurdity in the average
human being to supply any given army on any given day

and the best at murder are those who preach against it
and the best at hate are those who preach love
and the best at war finally are those who preach peace

those who preach god, need god
those who preach peace do not have peace
those who preach peace do not have love

beware the preachers
beware the knowers
beware those who are always reading books
beware those who either detest poverty
or are proud of it
beware those quick to praise
for they need praise in return
beware those who are quick to censor
they are afraid of what they do not know
beware those who seek constant crowds for
they are nothing alone
beware the average man the average woman
beware their love, their love is average
seeks average

but there is genius in their hatred
there is enough genius in their hatred to kill you
to kill anybody
not wanting solitude
not understanding solitude
they will attempt to destroy anything
that differs from their own
not being able to create art
they will not understand art
they will consider their failure as creators
only as a failure of the world
not being able to love fully
they will believe your love incomplete
and then they will hate you
and their hatred will be perfect

like a shining diamond
like a knife
like a mountain
like a tiger
like hemlock

their finest art

I was never really the person who believes in horoscopes, but still randomly read them from time to time cause I have this dailyhoroscope app on my blackberry. So today’s horoscope was saying something about me being in a really difficult and awkward phase, but I’ll gradually get over it, after I meet someone new, who will then enter me into my new phase of life. (weird shit)

Similar to the idea of how I never really believed in them, I used to think that things between us was actually more of like nothing is set in stone yet/ I still can change things. And in cue with it, I now know it’s not true. And on a random note, I can’t help but think that I was actually deserving all this shit that that dude has been dishing me with. To be frank, it totally was me acting the fool. Sighhh. So when even the last resort fell through, I clearly should see that this is really the end of me falling head over heels with this boy, and being so obstinate all this while about this belief I blindly held on to. So, these days, I pretend/hypnotize myself so hard that I’m kinda really over you.(or rather, borderline) Like uh just to name a few, not mentioning your name at all is one good attempt, not checking your facebook that often(it’s not easy to), not talking to my friends about you. Being a shining example of a person who don’t deal well with my tear glands, I managed to moderately suck it all up, which really does say quite a lot(you must understand this). I think I need to learn to be more literally appropriate, and a person who don’t use words like dance spilling out from a tongue, I don’t always put the proper words in the sentences, and I mess up my vocabulary(mini bank). I just can’t seem to really put my words across now.

In the book Joy Luck Club, there’s this line which says “Isn’t hate merely the result of wounded love?” Haha, quite frankly, I think there’s only a thin line between love and hate. Because both will mean that that person is something special. And this intricate relationship (to me) is like this: the more this love starts to hurt you, you blame this person(who might not exactly be the most innocent party) for (not) saying some things. On some days, I feel that way, I feel it’s not my fault I’ve landed myself in this “Any texting between us will only a liability to you now” thing. And last night was one of those days. And I can’t safely say I loved you cause to me you’re not all that much of positivity(much less to say for long periods), and I doubt you ‘re the one for my anyway. (blank face) (anyway I don’t believe in one- sided love, if pure love even exists)

There’s been some immense ego-depleting, self-hating action going on in me. I kinda can’t really stare at the mirror with what I’m wearing these days. Yeah there’s more of me now than ever. In terms of size. (Sianzipua right) And okay, no one to blame but myself for these food therapy/ happiness replacement/ compensation for a hard day’s work. Body modification looks good somehow, quite tempted, but sighhhhh, my skin would be a tad too thick to (alliteration babyyy!) entrust the needle to it.

Have a good weekend guys. Ta!

So I prolly will portray some mood swings here and there, because I just slaughtered my neighbor’s dog by accident. (Just kidding, or am i not :) I’m mysterious like that..) OK screw that. Anyway, just to update a little, I actually have an occupation now and my point here is I’m contributing to the society, I’m being a useful person, I’m earning my keeps, I’m providing for myself (ok i do get some allowance still..), I’m no longer under the category of voluntary unemployment(which does not make unemployment rate go down..but really, whatever.)

OK and going to work is quite a mini cheap thrill cos I get to meet so many kids (Yes, I’m a serial child killer, kidding you I am!) And it gets fulfilling when the kids actually do understand something I drilled into their little minds, I feel this adrenaline moving through my veins……….. okay damn tired I am. And I don’t have to spend a lot of time trying to make myself look good enough to be appearing in public, because the kids obviously don’t/won’t care. (And there’re no hot male teachers.)

Okay another level, I’m really considering buying the Wii game cause there’s Dance Dance Revolution(Is this true love?Imagine the possibilities of me doing a somersault or breakdancing on the mat!) OK cause I played with the guitargang at Shaun’s place this afternoon in his rather animalistic and cosy(damn straight it is) zone… I’m kinda hooked to it. And okayyyy the other games look pretty…decent too. (SO GONNA GET IT!!!! HELLYEAAAAAAA ^^) Nah I won’t get it, I’m too busy and preoccupied/occupied with tangible and intangible stuff, going on in my head and going on in my real life. (What am I talking about??)

(OMG I hate this post, it’s like a whole truckload of bull shit.)

Sigh, and I can’t believe even your virtual existence could affect me this much. The way you patronise me, the blatant means to ignore me, the very obvious(but I act oblivious) way you just pretend I have never played an important part of your life, they all really do cut me just the very way you did.(several times I say) Sorry but this is killing me real bad since the very first word of this post, so it led the misguided me to unleash this huge torrent of sadass, depraved, and meaningless rant, which will then set everyone into this abyss of boredom that just annoys you to no end just like this sentence is gonna be……. not.

Out.

(What the heck, I just blogged for the sake of typing something into this space)

It seems that you’re doing this by rote, rather than with zest and happiness. Haha, which is by right, not doing me justice, and by left, urm whatever, doesnt really matter does it. I’m not trying to be difficult here. I’m just saying anyway, it’s not that I’m really left with much choice anyway. On a completely different note, my mom once told me I talk/laugh the loudest(she’s kidding me!)whenever I’m on the phone with you. (Because you’re damn funny, and because after all, you’re my wonderwall~ <3 (corny…!!)  Urm but frankly, actually it’s really only the latter :p) Actually, there’s a very far more intricate explanation for it, but I believe I need not expound on that…. causeimdamnsleepybutimjusttrynaupdatesmth BECAUSE since I already STARTED typing, I might as well just go along with these hollow but really soulful(ok i kid) words.. (ahaha did you catch those words) (rofl of course you did)

I think I just might have declared social bankruptcy here by being so act cute/gross.

On another level… I’m soooo crazy about desperate housewives.

“You know what I admire most about you?”

“You always find a way to compliment me when you could have just said “I told you so.”"

- Desperate Housewives (saw that comingggggggg……SELLOUT NOT!!)

(hehe ^^) (not kidding at all but DH is really one of the best dramas lying around in these times) (and i wanna watch flashforward too) ((heehee you’re so lifeless)) ((damn straight you are…….loser!))

-social suicides-

(#) – MY WRIST

THIS POST IS DISTORTED AND JUST REALLY DRAMATIC. k.night.

(I might just delete this post, because it’s not funny anymore if people think I’m insane.)